I recently was engaged in a conversation with another LDS member about what is truth in regards to differences in genders, and in men and women’s purposes. I took issue with a statement (and many similar ones that regularly come up in LDS discussion circles) because I find that the underlying messages are actually faulty and not in line with doctrine. Because this is a regular frustration for me I finally wrote down some of my thoughts on this subject.
This was the quote that was referred to as teaching some truth:
“Our generation is becoming so busy trying to prove that women can do what men can do that women are losing their uniqueness. Women weren’t created to do everything men can do. Women were created to do everything men can’t do.”
My response:
The underlying assumption and implication is that uniqueness or differences between men and women is what gives each gender their value and purpose. I have a couple of reasons for why I don’t buy into philosophies that emphasize the differences between men and women as being the thing that is ultimately important. 1) These philosophies are often used to justify unfair systems in society that disproportionately disadvantage women and their children, 2) I don’t think there is really any grounding in gospel doctrine in these kinds of philosophies. Let me explain my thinking on that.
From my understanding of scripture and "The Family: A Proclamation the the World", differences in motherhood and fatherhood have more to do with accepting different charges/callings/responsibilities than they do with inherent differences in capabilities (or differences in what men and women can or can’t do). Also, husbands and wives are supposed to help their spouse as “equal partners” in their divine callings. I don't think you can be an equal partner if you don't have somewhat similar capacities.
Given that motherhood and fatherhood are divine callings, we can understand them as being similar to other callings. Sometimes certain individuals are given special “talents” or “ spiritual gifts” previous to their callings, and some people have to pray and ask and work to cultivate certain gifts as they go along (See Moroni 10:8-18, and D&C 46). For example, some women may not naturally feel nurturing, and they have to work on that. In the same vein, some fathers/husbands may not naturally feel protective, and they have to work on that. And we can easily see the opposite too. Many women feel naturally protective of their children, and many men feel deep nurturing feelings toward their children. I think the biggest thing to realize is that both these attributes (and many others that we tend to sort into “men” and “women” categories) are Christ-like attributes, so we should all be working to develop them. Also, if we are working on developing more of the same attributes, then it seems natural that there will actually be less difference between genders as time goes on. Thus we fulfill the commandment to be of one heart and one mind (Moses 7:18).
To be effective, mothers and fathers have to get personal, spiritual direction to know how to best serve those they have responsibility over (like you do with any other calling). There isn’t one right way to meet the needs of all God’s children, because we all have somewhat different needs. Thus motherhood and fatherhood can look really different for different families (and even for the same family at different stages in life). There isn’t one correct way to be a mother or a father, just as there isn’t one correct way to serve as a visiting/home teacher, bishop, relief society president, missionary, etc. And that’s ok as long as we are following the spirit and constantly receiving confirmation that our path is acceptable to God.
Also, prophets frequently remind us that one of the things that makes motherhood so wonderful is how similar mother’s work is to Christ’s work, and yet he was a man. It’s not differences in gender capabilities or attributes that are emphasized as being important, but instead it’s the similarity between women and Christ that is important.
I know based on doctrine (see "The Family: A Proclamation to the World"), that gender is eternal and that according to gender we are given certain divine callings. However, all the other personal meanings members put on top of that seem to be just that: personal meaning and nothing more (i.e. not doctrinal). Men and women aren't that different, and being different from each other isn't what is important. Everybody is supposed to become more like Christ, who was a man. Yet somehow he is still a perfect example for women? How can that be if men and women are so incredibly different? Because we aren’t that different; we all become more similar to each other in attributes and capabilities as we continue progressing towards eternal perfection.
I think seeing my value as being based on what men are not and cannot do, leaves something really narrow for me to base my importance on - pretty much just birthing a child, which still isn't possible without a man's involvement. If this is true, then I have little worth (and no worth, if I can't bear children) unless I tell myself all kinds of stories about how there are so many more things that I can do that men can't possibly do as well as I do them - like calm a distraught child, or make my child feel loved and secure, or complete daily household tasks (the things society often stereotypes as belonging to “motherhood”). But Heavenly Father can also do all of these things, and he is a man. He DOES comfort his children and he CAN make them feel safe and secure. I'm sure if he can do those more complicated things, then he could certainly do the other time-consuming household tasks fairly well too. If that's what your value and idea of womanhood and motherhood are built on - somehow being incredibly different from men in capabilities or attributes - then there's just not that much there.
Overall, I don’t find there to be much truth behind philosophies that tell men and women that being unique or different from each other is all that important. I think we are asked to accept different callings that actually have way more overlap than not, and ultimately this causes husbands and wives to become more like each other and more like God in both capacities and capabilities, AND in personal characteristics and attributes. The problem of this generation is not that women are too willing to be like men and thus are losing their uniqueness in that way, but that men and women are unwilling to be unique in righteousness, which is the thing that really matters when it comes to being different or unique.
Right on! You seriously described exactly how I was feeling and what I was thinking the other day on this topic. I couldn't get my thoughts to flow but now that I read your post it made me say "Mandy is brilliant and knows how to write so well!"
ReplyDeleteThank you for this because since the Caitlyn Jenner thing I am sure I have tried getting exactly what you said across to people. It irritates me that society focuses on what's not important but then again someone that is not LDS will of course find no validity in this since they don't believe the doctrine to be of any truth (most likely). Ugh. And for me having these conversations with those not of my faith is the hardest cause then I just get a blank stare or the stink eye.
Miss you, Mandy!
Amanda, this entry beautifully articulates a truth that is complex and often difficult to grasp. I would love to read more. This entry almost seems like a conversation opener or the introduction of a series of articles that can be added to over time. I really think you are on to something and I hope this is not the end of it.
ReplyDeleteYour essay is informative, but also, as sound essays often do, leaves me wanting more. I am hungry for discussion on the topic. For example, you state, "I don’t buy into philosophies that emphasize the differences between men and women as being the thing that is ultimately important." I fully agree, and as I am a single woman and although I hope to someday marry, due to my circumstances, I have had to evolve and develop some attributes others would categorize as manly. It isn't by choice that I am single, but I have felt the Lords hand in helping me develop these "manly" traits in order to be a contributing member of society instead of one helpless and needy. Was my acquisition of these traits divinely facilitated? I think so. And if so, then are they note approved of and smiled on by God?
I encourage you to further explore certain elements of this principle such as expanding on your final statement, "The problem of this generation is not that women are too willing to be like men and thus are losing their uniqueness in that way, but that men and women are unwilling to be unique in righteousness, which is the thing that really matters when it comes to being different or unique."
I applaud your initiative in writing this essay and hope that over time you will expand on it. It sheds light on a murky issue and has a premise founded soundly upon gospel doctrine instead of the cheap imitation of LDS Culture. Thanks for taking the time to share.--Carri
I had some long comments, so I split them up into multiple posts:
ReplyDeletePart 1
There is so much truth in what you say here. Satan will always use good things and twist them for his purposes. The enmity between man and woman is not God's desire, it is Satan's. I have been thinking and studying a great deal regarding this topic and would like to join your conversation.
While we should avoid creating divisiveness regarding gender, I think it is easy to swing the pendulum too far in the other direction by ignoring that there are actually differences in the nature of women and men, and those differences are placed there for a reason. The fact that Satan has used the divinely appointed differences between the sexes and their roles to create "unfair systems in society that disproportionately disadvantage women and their children," does not mean that the differences don't exist and aren't ultimately and eternally important.
This essay states, "Men and women aren't that different, and being different from each other isn't what is important" and the declared purpose of the essay is to dispel "The underlying assumption and implication" " that uniqueness or differences between men and women is what gives each gender their value and purpose".
Now let me begin by agreeing that all men and women are unique in their divine gifts and natural tendencies, and no two are alike. We have, however, been given guidance from prophets and apostles regarding our differences, not only in assignment or calling, but also in the capacity endowed upon us with the specific purpose of fulfilling those callings.
As to the value and purpose of God's children, of course their value does not stem from their gender. Their value stems from their divine parentage. This is probably, in my opinion, the root of the debate and disagreements regarding gender. Women and men alike don't find value in their divine nature and instead try to find value in doing what the world says is important because our world places the value there. They need the affirmation of the world to tell them they have value, rather than understanding their value comes from being a child of God, regardless of gender. Why women let Satan deceive them into thinking they are only valuable inasmuch as they can do what men do, or even what men can't do, perplexes me, but it is probably because Satan has made a convincing case in this regard.
Part 2:
DeleteThe purpose of men and women, however, is very much defined by their gender. The proclamation on the family states that, "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose". (I wish I could underline the word purpose here). So we are told that our gender is an essential characteristic of our purpose, not only in this life but eternally. That seems to me to demonstrate that our gender is "ultimately important". I believe this is not just a philosophy we may choose whether or not to "buy into", but an eternal truth declared to the world by prophets.
When we don't understand our roles and their significance, or when we begin to need external affirmation regarding our value, as previously stated, we then begin to find fault with these eternal truths. I feel that it is important to defend the fact that women and men are different, not to say that one is superior, but to protect the entire plan God set up for his children.
President Boyd K. Packer cautioned, "“In the home and in the Church, sisters should be esteemed for their very nature. Be careful lest you unknowingly foster influences and activities which tend to erase the masculine and feminine differences nature has established. A man, a father, can do much of what is usually assumed to be a woman’s work. In turn, a wife and a mother can do much—and in time of need, most things—usually considered the responsibility of the man, without jeopardizing their distinct roles. Even so, leaders, and especially parents, should recognize that there is a distinct masculine nature and a distinct feminine nature essential to the foundation of the home and the family. Whatever disturbs or weakens or tends to erase that difference erodes the family and reduces the probability of happiness for all concerned” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1998, 96; or Ensign, May 1998, 73).
I really could not verbalize my feelings any better than this apostle did. God does not want us to fight and argue over whether or not men or women are more important in their differences, nor does he want to deny that they exist. He wants us to use those divinely endowed differences to fulfill his eternal purposes for His children. Of course we help each other, we progress and grow and develop as we strive to become like our Heavenly Father. But no part of that process requires that women deny that they are unique as women, nor that men deny that they are unique as men, or downplay the importances of those differences. Gender is not a mark of superiority or inferiority, but of calling, nature, identity and purpose, as the proclamation stated.
Part 3:
DeleteAs a mother of both males and females, I must heartily disagree that the differences between the two are minimal. While watching them grow and respond under similar parenting styles, it has become clearly evident to me that the genders are different. To deny this is simply to deny reality. I do not claim to put a measurement or value on those differences, nor to compare them to the similarities between genders, but the gender differences do exist.
Logically speaking, why would God give the two genders two different roles in His plan without giving them different tools for those roles? Isn't he a just God, and no respecter of persons? He must and has given special gifts to those whom he has given special tasks. As I mentioned, there is a wide array of places each person falls on the spectrum of spiritual gifts, but apostles and prophets have repeatedly told us that we have the differences between the sexes for God's purposes.
It is also poor logic to argue that simply because a woman's positive and divine attributes are so often compared to Christ's attributes that it then no longer matters whether or not she is a woman, or to argue that the genders bear no significant differences in matters of eternal importance. Might it not be possible that women in general are given an extra measure of certain of Christ's qualities and men an extra measure of others?
I absolutely love your idea that as we progress in our path of becoming like Christ, that we should be becoming more and more like each other. I wholeheartedly agree that this is true, but I still believe that, if the Proclamation to the World on the Family is true, then our gender is still part of our eternal identity and purpose, and the lack of a highly visible female divine role model does not negate the eternal feminine identity and purpose.
Part 4:
DeleteI have found it essential when considering matters of gender role and equality to look not to popular Mormon culture and norms, not to the loud shrill voices of the feminist world, and not even to my own biases and opinions. Rather, we have prophets who have spoken on this subject and I am grateful to have their words as I strive to understand truth regarding my own role and identity as a woman, as well as God's plan for women and men in general.
Here are a few words of the prophets and apostles regarding this issue that I have found beneficial in understanding gender roles and purposes, I hope you find them helpful as well:
President James E. Faust
“Before we were born, male and female, we made certain commitments and … agreed to come to this earth with great, rich, but different gifts. We were called, male and female, to do great works with separate approaches and separate assignments.
“… Becoming like men is not the answer. Rather, the answer lies in being who you are and living up to your divine potential by fulfilling eternal commitments. …
“All of you will have to sometime answer to your natural womanly instincts, which the Prophet Joseph said are according to your natures. He said, ‘If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.’ [Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, 226.] You should respond generously to those instincts and promptings to do good. Hold your soul very still, and listen to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Follow the noble, intuitive feelings planted deep within your souls by Deity in the previous world. In this way you will be responding to the Holy Spirit of God and will be sanctified by truth. By so doing, you will be eternally honored and loved. Much of your work is to enrich mankind with your great capacity for care and mercy” (“How Near to the Angels,” Ensign, May 1998, 95–97).
President Thomas S. Monson:
“What the modernists, even the liberationists, fail to remember is that women, in addition to being persons, also belong to a sex, and that with the differences in sex are associated important differences in function and behavior. Equality of rights does not imply identity of functions. As Paul the apostle declared: ‘… neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.’ (1 Cor. 11:11.)” (“The Women’s Movement: Liberation or Deception?” Ensign, Jan. 1971, 20).
Part 5:
DeletePresident Boyd K. Packer:
“Except Adam and Eve by nature be different from one another, they could not multiply and fill the earth [see Genesis 1:28, note 28 c]. The complementing differences are the very key to the plan of happiness.
“Some roles are best suited to the masculine nature and others to the feminine nature” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1993, 28; or Ensign, Nov. 1993, 21).
Elder Dallin H. Oaks
“We live in a day when there are many political, legal, and social pressures for changes that confuse gender and homogenize the differences between men and women. Our eternal perspective sets us against changes that alter those separate duties and privileges of men and women that are essential to accomplish the great plan of happiness. We do not oppose all changes in the treatment of men and women, since some changes in laws or customs simply correct old wrongs that were never grounded in eternal principles” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1993, 99; or Ensign, Nov. 1993, 73–74)
Elder Richard G. Scott:
“Our Heavenly Father endowed His sons and daughters with unique traits especially fitted for their individual responsibilities as they fulfill His plan. To follow His plan requires that you do those things He expects of you as a son or daughter, husband or wife. Those roles are different, but entirely compatible. In the Lord’s plan, it takes two—a man and a woman—to form a whole. Indeed, a husband and wife are not two identical halves, but a wondrous, divinely determined combination of complementary capacities and characteristics.
“Marriage allows these different characteristics to come together in oneness—in unity—to bless a husband and wife, their children and grandchildren. For the greatest happiness and productivity in life, both husband and wife are needed. Their efforts interlock and are complementary. Each has individual traits that best fit the role the Lord has defined for happiness as a man or woman. When used as the Lord intends, those capacities allow a married couple to think, act, and rejoice as one—to face challenges together and overcome them as one, to grow in love and understanding, and through temple ordinances to be bound together as one whole, eternally. That is the plan.
“You can learn how to be more effective parents by studying the lives of Adam and Eve. Adam was Michael who helped create the earth—a glorious, superb individual. Eve was his equal—a full, powerfully contributing partner. After they had partaken of the fruit, the Lord spoke with them. Their comments reveal some different characteristics of a man and woman. To Adam He said, ‘Hast thou eaten of the tree whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldst not eat?’ [Moses 4:17.] Now, Adam’s response was characteristic of a man who wants to be perceived as being as close to right as possible. Adam responded, ‘The woman thou gavest me, and commandest that she should remain with me, she gave me of the fruit of the tree and I did eat.’ [Moses 4:18.] And the Lord said unto Eve, ‘What is this thing which thou hast done?’ [Moses 4:19.] Eve’s response was characteristic of a woman. Her answer was very simple and straightforward. ‘The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.’ [Moses 4:19.]” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 101; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 73–74).
Part 6:
DeleteAnd finally, from one of my favorite apostles. I like this one and it coincides with what you have said regarding righteousness not being a matter of gender, yet highlighting that gender differences are still important in God's eternal purposes:
Elder Neal A. Maxwell:
“We know so little, brothers and sisters, about the reasons for the division of duties between womanhood and manhood as well as between motherhood and priesthood. These were divinely determined in another time and another place. …
“We men know the women of God as wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, associates, and friends. You seem to tame us and to gentle us, and, yes, to teach us and to inspire us. For you, we have admiration as well as affection, because righteousness is not a matter of role, nor goodness a matter of gender. In the work of the Kingdom, men and women are not without each other, but do not envy each other, lest by reversals and renunciations of role we make a wasteland of both womanhood and manhood” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1978, 13; or Ensign, May 1978, 10).
Thank you for your thoughts and for the chance to share mine. I don't claim to prescribe how each woman or man should go about fulfilling his or her divine purpose, but I do believe with all my heart the words of the proclamation, that Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.
addendum:
DeleteI liked these too:
President Harold B. Lee
“From my experience, it would seem that faithful mothers have a special gift that we often refer to as mother’s intuition. Perhaps with the great blessing of motherhood, our Heavenly Father has endowed them with this quality, since fathers, busy in priesthood callings and with the work of earning a livelihood, never draw quite as close to heavenly beings in matters that relate to the more intimate details of bringing up children in the home” (Teachings of Harold B. Lee, 291).
President Spencer W. Kimball
“In his wisdom and mercy, our Father made men and women dependent on each other for the full flowering of their potential. Because their natures are somewhat different, they can complement each other; because they are in many ways alike, they can understand each other. Let neither envy the other for their differences; let both discern what is superficial and what is beautifully basic in those differences, and act accordingly” (“Relief Society—Its Promise and Potential,” Ensign, Mar. 1976, 5).
“We had full equality as his spirit children. We have equality as recipients of God’s perfected love for each of us. …
“Within those great assurances, however, our roles and assignments differ. These are eternal differences—with women being given many tremendous responsibilities of motherhood and sisterhood and men being given the tremendous responsibilities of fatherhood and the priesthood” (“The Role of Righteous Women,” Ensign, Nov. 1979, 102).
Hi Lani,
DeleteThanks for sharing so many great quotes and ideas! I just wanted to clarify that my example of the similarities between Christ and women/mothers is not used to support the line of reasoning that gender doesn’t matter. Instead, I am reasoning that the similarities between Christ and mothers show us that the supposed difference (in capacities/capabilities and attributes/characteristics) between genders is not as great as we often make them out to be in LDS culture.
Of course gender matters. I have to know that piece of information about myself (as part of my eternal identity) in order to know what my purpose/calling/responsibility is. If I lack that piece of information about myself then I can’t move forward. However once I know what my calling is, the fulfilling of that calling is not so clear-cut. Thus, just like any other calling, I need personal revelation on how to fulfill it, and that may look different from the LDS cultural ideals.
Also, although God is no respecter of persons he does not always bless his children with certain capacities/spiritual gifts/tools according to their callings or roles. Why do some missionaries struggle with the language and others don’t? Why are some prophets eloquent speakers and others are not? Why do some parents feel natural affection and others do not? Sometimes God does let us lack something, even something that would help us fulfill our calling. I think this allows us to be humble, teaches us that we need to ask, and it helps us grow spiritually through our struggle to obtain that blessing. Not all mothers/fathers, missionaries, prophets, bishops, or any other calling are blessed with specific capacities from the get-go. God gives us what we need as he sees fit because he has greater perspective than we do. And sometimes he knows that what we personally need is the struggle.
Sincerely,
Mandy
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